Emotional Damnation

I can’t believe my first post with WordPress is about Emotinal Damnation.  I mean, surely there must be something much more enticing than relating my current emotional torment.  Then again, the whole point of setting up a blog ( to some people, particularly myself), is to vent and rave about issues that in a normal social environment, are not quite acceptable.

I had named my blog Images.  The origin of this name is very much dependent on my personal outlook on life.  I see images.  Not like in a supernatural context, obviously. As we all knew, Hollywood has moved on from the world of Fantasy to the world of Supernatural this season.  So, nothing spooky here.

When I said I see Images, how to explain… you know how people feel their emotions, well… I kind a see mine as Images.  This is how I control my emotions.  See and disintergrate.  Compartmentalise them.  Store them away when I have no use of them.  I have been doing this for years.  No doubt, it could get difficult at times when I am mentally weak.  Sometimes their images are so vivid that I would rather feel than see.  When I see, I could feel too.  If I allowed myself to feel when I am seeing, the emotion escalates to a level that may be a hundred times worse than those who just feel.  I will feel pain a hundred times worse than normal people, I will feel happiness with prolonged elation, I will lose control over my daily routine and fall into Emotional Damnation.

I cannot allow myself to go there.  I simply cannot.  Obligations and responsibilities will no longer exist.  The guilt of negligence will slowly but surely consume my soul.  However, my strength is dwindling, just a few more steps and I will surrender myself entirely to the allure of Emotional Damnation.  Every single day is a battle within myself.  As it is, my daily routine has began to disintergrate as the compartmentalised emotions are breaking free one at a time to taunt me with their images and heightened my emotion.

Sometimes when I closed my eyes, I could see them sniggering at my weakness to return them to where they belonged for eternity.  For the first time in almost 20 years, their hope for triumph is closer than they could ever imagine.  Their host has finally weakened, with the possibility of submission.  I could even see them clanking their wine glasses away with a premature assumption of victory.  How I loathe them.  How I loathe myself for allowing them to torment my body and soul.

There’s no one that I could confer with that would remotely understand what I am going through.  Not my mother, not my husband and possibly not even my best friends.  My mother will only conclude that I am going through another one of my many phases of absurdity and I am just being weak yet again.  The pain of seeing the disappointment on her face is absolutely intolerable.  With my current fanatic emotion, there’s no way I could get away unscathe with an open confession with her.  It will only push  me  into Emotional Damnation sooner.  My husband will only nod away with a tormented expression on his face for not knowing what he could or could not say to make me feel better.  Isn’t it enough for me to suffer?  There’s no way I’m gonna extend my pain unto him.  My best friends are probably the best people to confide in but I simply cannot answer any of their questions when being asked.  No doubt, they will ask questions in the hope that they could assist me in getting to the bottom of this erratic emotional outburst.  Questions that I may not even have an answer too…

My head is bursting with expression as more images presented themselves to me.  I needed this.  I needed an outlet to release my overly expresssive self.  Writing is the only way to release them at the moment.  At least now, my heart slowed a little and I can breath normally again.  No longer suffocated, but how long can this last… how long can I be at peace with myself before these monsters recollect themselves and munch on my consciousness yet again….

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3 responses to this post.

  1. Posted by Jeri on December 3, 2008 at 8:46 pm

    If my plate wasn’t so full of my own problems I would probably jump out from my balcony (with the knowledge that I may possibly just break my legs as it is the 3rd floor)…But because I’m so stressed out, I would like to cordially invite you to my apartment so I can push you off , there’s nothing like pain to make you snap out of it… wait a minute if we want pain we can go wake boarding for a day, then we’ll be in real pain the day after 😉

    Alternatively, if you ever need to rent a hole, you can pinjam mine but it’ll be bit dusty -haven’t been using it for a while … but it has astro, WIFI, silk sheets, a fully stocked fridge of cheese & wine & fried chicken… I recently redecorated with playstation 3 😀

    Reply

  2. Posted by Jeri on December 3, 2008 at 8:48 pm

    by the way I forgot to mention I only want to jump from my apartment is coz I have read your depressing post- its the worst yet… *drumroll* and the saddest post awards of 2008 goes to Ms Kareen Lim !!!

    Reply

  3. Posted by kareensyl on December 4, 2008 at 1:59 am

    Hmm… you do occasionally posses such tendency don’t you? Well, don’t jump just quite yet as your apartment is obviously not high enough 😛

    Your hole! Your luxury hole!! Is it mobile? Can I travel with it? Cause I would very much prefer to station your hole in a much more inspiring environment. Perhaps Tuscany? 😉

    Wake-boarding… I think I will not only be in real pain but possibly bed bounded for a few days as well 😉 Nevertheless, since Tuscany may be a little too far fetch, wake-boarding is an excellent alternative 🙂

    Cool! I won an award!!! Heheheeee….

    Reply

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